The world of television

 I don't watch TV very often. It's a black box in my living room that only serve its purpose when needed. First of all, I don't have cable, because it's expensive, and basic programs are not worth the price to pay, not to forget the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome infliction that is caused by incessant action on the remote control.

I have little, or no interest in most of the shows that are offered. I dislike reality TV, soap operas, the news, most series, and sitcoms. I also have a golden rule to never turn on any public programs between 9am to 5pm because commercials displayed around that time suggest that only old folks watch daytime television. Watching advertisements about dentures and the newest wheelchairs all day would be fine if I didn't have to convince myself afterward that, no, I am not old, I just picked the wrong time slot. 

Reality TV
I wish my reality was a TV show, I would be able to edit my mistakes, get several takes on what to say, and have an executive producer take care of my life. That's not how reality works, but I guess it does when it is confined into a black box. I do not understand the appeal of watching people living their life, especially when they have nothing interesting going on. If I want pathetic, I can record my day to day and spend the evening watching it unfold with a bottle of whisky. Outside of that, I do not want to see how low people can go, how stupid or trashy they can be, certainly not for entertainment value. If I was an alien from another planet and based my knowledge of the human race on reality shows, I would come back with an army and exterminate all of us for the sake of the universe. 

The News

If the world came to an end, you wouldn't know it because Lindsay Lohan went back into rehab that day. But that wouldn't happen, because nothing ever happens, the world sleeps quietly while Charlie Sheen rants about CBS and his goddesses. But maybe it's better that way, maybe it's better to listen to broadcasters talk about the latest youtube child sensation, or the dog that can surf, rather than some distorted truth about some major world event for the sake of sensationalism. 

 

Talent shows

I feel like with live in an era where being a star is what matters the most. Seems like everybody and their dog want to be a singer, or a dancer. There are enough talent shows to fulfill people's illusions of stardom, American Idol being the most notorious of all. You get a bunch of kids that never learned anything about music but were brought up to think they are very special by lunatic parents, put them on a bastardized talent show, and you get your next American idol. By the year 2050, singers will run the country, and elections will be based on the best hip hop moves.

TV series

It seems like there only 2 types of TV series, one involving crime and police investigation, the other doctors and emergency rooms. There is nothing in between, life is about your guts being ripped off either by a murderer, or a surgeon. Series like Law and Order “special victims unit” sounds like some writer have a serious obsession with rape and pedophilia. Makes me want to lock myself up in some room and never come out of it. Then you have Grey's Anatomy, which is nothing but a soap opera with a scalpel. There are not a lot of choices out there, even though there are a few TV series that I would have enjoyed if they had not been canceled after the first of second season! Maybe my taste doesn't belong with high rating figures.

The day I will watch Grey's Anatomy:

What puzzles me even more than the amount of junk that comes out of our television set is the number of people that complain about the programs, but can't turn off their TV. Some people have it on 24/7, even if there is nothing on. I guess silence can kill you, but if the sound of nothingness scare you, there are still alternatives, such as music, or, if you really need some noise, just keep your dog barking. 

 

Anyway, I have to log off now, or I am gonna miss the last episode of The Real Housewives of Appalachia.

How Spielberg killed my childhood

 Introducing E.T. The Extraterrestrial, directed by Steven Spielberg in 1982, butchered in 2002.

I wasn't aware of this until recently, but apparently, the DVD version that is sold in stores today isn't the original version that was created back in 1982.  Nine years ago, Steven Spielberg came up with the brilliant idea to celebrate the 20th anniversary of E.T. with a “new, improved, and enhanced” edition of a classic that did not need any alterations, or additions.

But why did he do it? I came up with several possibilities, you can pick the one that fits you best:

1. he was bored out of his mind
2. he wanted to piss off the fans
3. he spent too much time with George Lucas
4. he has a bad sense of humor
5. all of the above

Regardless of the reason, E.T. is pissed, and he's never coming back to earth. If he did, it would be for the only purpose to exterminate us all, and Spielberg would only have himself to blame.

So, what did he do exactly?

In the original version, the government agents pursuing E.T. and Elliot had weapons in their hands, which was so traumatic upon viewing that parents had to send their kids to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. Fortunately for us, the last edition digitally replaces those terrible guns with Walkie-Talkies. Thank you Spielberg, our children are safe from psychological trauma. We owe you one!

We waited 20 years for E.T to learn to articulate. It bothered us so much, we couldn't watch his lips. Thanks to computer-generated graphics, The movie was CGI-enhanced to make E.T.'s lips movement match the words more closely. Now we are 100% sure that was he wanted to phone home.

Everybody knows that audience need to be spoon fed, So, additional footage of E.T. running through the forest escaping agents at the start of the film help us understand that, yes, they are really running after him, and not some wild rabbit. If that wasn't enough, a shot of E.T. standing on top of a hill watching his ship leave was also added, in case we didn't realized he had missed it. I personally thought that he had decided to stay for an extended vacation.

The dialogue in which Elliot's mom tells his brother he's not going out looking like a terrorist, was removed in the 80s, but nobody noticed until 2002. It must have been a big issue, because the line was changed 2 times over the years. First, to “dressed like that” in the VHS version, then to “dressed like a hippie” in the anniversary edition. I think they should just go with "he-who-must-not-be-named", and change Michael's costume to Voldemort. Might as well!

So thank you for turning my favorite alien into a silly CGI puppet, thanks for the political correctness, and thanks for defacing a part of my childhood memories. I bow to you Mr Spielberg, and I can't wait for an enhanced edition of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. That will be the cherry on the cake!

In the mean time....

Land of Germaphobes

The issue
Most of my friends are Americans, therefore suffer from germaphobia to one degree or another. They always get on my case when I don't wash my hands after I touch something, double dip, or use the same sponge to wash dishes and clean the counter. They make me feel so self-conscious about my own behavior that I might die of shame before any virus gets me.

The threat

There is a real fear of germs going on, one that make aliens from outer-space look like choir boys. Let's face it, not even the blob, or body-snatchers have a chance to survive the germs invasion. They are coming, they are here, and they are going to get all of us!

 

The Answer

We can't count on our immune system, it's a failed hero, a coward, an old wife's tale. So, if it can't save us from the pandemic, who will? Fortunately for us, we are not alone. One company have come up with the ultimate killing machine: Lysol! The new super-hero that Marvel wish they had created. It eradicates 99.9% of all the sneaky germs that crawl in and around your house, your skin, your brain, and anything you can think of.

 

 0.1%
Thanks to Lysol, America is safe, but where are the 0.1% that is still a threat to our day to day life? Nobody knows, and I am pretty sure scientists are working 24/7 to come up with a solution before complete extinction of the human race. 

Until then:
- Wash your hands until you skin peel off, every 15 minutes (you can set up an alarm).

- Always carry a bottle of Lysol wipes with you (you never know where the germs are going to strike).

 

 - Never use soap pump! It holds millions of bacteria that will kill you instantly.

 - Use the no-touch hand system, bacteria won't be able to reach your skin. If by any misfortune your  hands touch the bottle, call 911, and wait for emergency to come get you.

- Use your elbow to touch anything from public places, such as elevator buttons,  light signals etc.. Germs hate elbows and won't even bother.

- Germs can come from anywhere, and come in different forms and shapes. Always watch your back, and be ready to fight back!

- Don't shake people's hands, especially at church. Use your elbows instead... but avoid hitting people on the face.

If any of the above works, cut off your hands with a sanitized hammer, then ask someone to call 911.

In any case,  stay paranoid, and avoid people like me.

 

 

 

 

Facebook, a place to socialize with goats

Facebook used to be a social network for people to interact with each other, but not so much anymore. I think it should be relabeled "gamebook", the place to interact with your crops, and ask your friends for bonuses. It's a very quiet place where nothing happens until someone send you a request to help them sink deeper in their virtual world.  
There is absolutely no escape. Try chatting with your friends, and this is what you will get: "idle", which equals to "don't bother me I am playing". If you're lucky enough, they will say hi, then they will ask you if you have any extra bricks to help them finish their chicken coop. Forget about anything else, because nothing else matters.

Don't get me wrong, I still hear a lot from my friends though. I know how their cows are doing, and how many horseshoes they need to complete their expansion. I even use it as a conversation starter when I have nothing to say, it always works! I even joined the bandwagon, because like they say, can't beat them, join them.  

And joining, I did. I am now as anti-social as the rest of them, and when I go meet with friends in the real world, I bring my laptop so we can all play in the same living room, and exchange ideas on the best way to milk cows. Life doesn't get better than that, I am one with my *bip-up universe.

*bip, also refers as "fucked"