Land of Germaphobes

The issue
Most of my friends are Americans, therefore suffer from germaphobia to one degree or another. They always get on my case when I don't wash my hands after I touch something, double dip, or use the same sponge to wash dishes and clean the counter. They make me feel so self-conscious about my own behavior that I might die of shame before any virus gets me.

The threat

There is a real fear of germs going on, one that make aliens from outer-space look like choir boys. Let's face it, not even the blob, or body-snatchers have a chance to survive the germs invasion. They are coming, they are here, and they are going to get all of us!

 

The Answer

We can't count on our immune system, it's a failed hero, a coward, an old wife's tale. So, if it can't save us from the pandemic, who will? Fortunately for us, we are not alone. One company have come up with the ultimate killing machine: Lysol! The new super-hero that Marvel wish they had created. It eradicates 99.9% of all the sneaky germs that crawl in and around your house, your skin, your brain, and anything you can think of.

 

 0.1%
Thanks to Lysol, America is safe, but where are the 0.1% that is still a threat to our day to day life? Nobody knows, and I am pretty sure scientists are working 24/7 to come up with a solution before complete extinction of the human race. 

Until then:
- Wash your hands until you skin peel off, every 15 minutes (you can set up an alarm).

- Always carry a bottle of Lysol wipes with you (you never know where the germs are going to strike).

 

 - Never use soap pump! It holds millions of bacteria that will kill you instantly.

 - Use the no-touch hand system, bacteria won't be able to reach your skin. If by any misfortune your  hands touch the bottle, call 911, and wait for emergency to come get you.

- Use your elbow to touch anything from public places, such as elevator buttons,  light signals etc.. Germs hate elbows and won't even bother.

- Germs can come from anywhere, and come in different forms and shapes. Always watch your back, and be ready to fight back!

- Don't shake people's hands, especially at church. Use your elbows instead... but avoid hitting people on the face.

If any of the above works, cut off your hands with a sanitized hammer, then ask someone to call 911.

In any case,  stay paranoid, and avoid people like me.